those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
