Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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