i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
