mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
