cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
farters have to be the big spoon...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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