Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
