Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize