what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
