getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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