my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
