god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
