If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
