This is not my ceiling
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
