I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
