I'm lost and stupid without you.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
