i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
