I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
