So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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