she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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