So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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