Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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