There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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