I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize