got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
