I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
