yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize