Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
