is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
