He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
