i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
