Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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