Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
