dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
