Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
FUCK WHALES
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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