hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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