that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
