i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize