so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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