Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
