you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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