see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
