Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
