News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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