He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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