There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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