And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
