my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
