woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
