....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
