I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
