sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
