haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
