She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
