if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize