how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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