That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
do herpes really smell.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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