I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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